TY: Number 35

Lately I've continuously found myself unhappy. Almost every time I have time to myself I have reflected on the most recent events. Many of which end the way I wouldn't like them, or what I should really say is didn't expect them to. 

Expecting... might just be the problem. You can expect the worst or the best in something, but if it doesn't fall the way you expected it to you become disappointed. But if you had no expectations to begin with, who's to say what you could have been left feeling. 

+Maybe I expected certain behaviours from our relationship. 

.. Anything can start with maybe.. 

**I expected our relationship to behave differently. To grow as much as it could the way we nurtured it. The way I tried to nurture it. It got stuck in between a rock & a hard place. But you can only do so much to before you realize that you don't have to be stuck at all. Why continue to push, struggle and wait for something to happen when you have the same weight of choice to not be there at all. 

I've watched and let myself take pain. Let myself be okay with the struggle, the tears, the anger, the hurt. Daily adventures would be recorded for remembrance and recording all the hurt was such a turn off. I had stopped writing down my thoughts, even the good ones. Because there was a lot of good ones, but the ones that brought me to sadness over powered by passion to keep up with these recordings. 

Not recording these memories let me forget faster. I would not have written documentation to look back and resurrect old feelings on. It let me forgive and mainly forget faster. Hatred has never been a neighbouring expression near to my heart. I will always choose love before hatred. But at what cost? I always just wanted to love, be loved, be in love with someone who is also in love with me. I challenged myself to find new ways to continuously spark that feeling back. Being a hopeless romantic was fun, but I would expect a little bit to boomerang back.

All of these unfulfilled expectations let to disappointment. Disappointment let to unhappiness, unhappiness led to arguing and repeated arguments without solutions led to falling out of love.

"Sex without love is pointless. It makes you sad." - Grisssom

I've quoted this line before but it is true. I've found that anything, weather that be sex, art, music without love and/or passion is empty. Lately I have found myself to be running low on both. Tiring myself to the bone, mind and soul with just trying to keep busy. I'm focused on moving out but i'm also taking the easy way out and finding a lot of short term solutions to find happiness. Going out to the club, drinking with friends, getting new clothes.. anything that involves spending money. An unhealthy and vicious circle of depending on something else for happiness. 

I should really just be spending time with me. I used to love doing that. Now i'm chasing any moment to be surrounded by others who can prove some sort of value in myself. I know myself better than anyone else in this world and from the outside I think I'm a pretty cool cat. But on the inside I feel so.. broken. 

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." - Frederick Koenig

Maybe my vision is a little blurry right now. Many wounds still fresh from most recent battles, I just need some time to heal. & maybe more reflective writing. Yes that too.

Until then, good night world. 

ps: thank you jj