if you scared mother****** go to church

3am
tired
on the left lane
60mp/h
eyes getting heavy
mind loosing conscious
body at ease
FUCK!!!!!!!!!
awarness awakes
paranoia creeps over
and I don't know how to feel
I was saved
running down the stairs
keys dangling
locked doors
home alone
scared


If you know me well enough you would know that LUCK is not in my life's vocabulary. I don't get lucky. Or at least not in that good way. I'm that person who only has bad luck. And for some reason all of the major life lessons I have learnt so far have come across me by its most extreme. I have only been given the option to learn everything the hard way. And Sunday morning was just another lesson learned.

I have NEVER EVER been so scared in my life. I kept saying "I'm not afraid of death. I'm not afraid to die right now." But what I failed to include was that I'm not afraid of INSTANT death. I wouldn't not want to get into an accident, get sick, or brutally hurt, and then die slowly. I would want it to happen instantly. It would be too hard to watch the world keep going as my life slowly ends.

Scared as ever I became paranoid. Death was coming after me, but missed. My best friend who was right in front watching helped me realized I got someone watching over me. Still tired, in confusion, and scared I doubted it. Kept thinking of how unworthy my life is of being saved. Why am still here, when the perfect chance/opportunity to just end everything was right there. There must be some reason. But that is something I won't find out until my life is up. Until then I must give my forgiveness and appreciation to what kept me safe.

The next morning I went to a place I haven't gone to in.. well, maybe over a year. Church. Signs, verses, connections, familiarity, fate. Yes, I am a believer in fate. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. When I keep that in my mind set its so much easier to let the bad things in life go, because I know that it was just supposed to happen.

Saturday night/ Sunday morning was supposed to happen. & now my eyes are open wide and keeping aware for what may happen next.